The Secret Life of Bella Swan
by TwilightAddictAnonymous
Summary: Bella has a darker past than she lets on and has her fair share of secrets. Will getting to know Edward Cullen allow her to open up? Or will she go back to the life she knew before? {Just a random plot bunny, R&R please!}
1. Chapter 1

California was a magical place. I never expected to live anywhere else. I was born there and would surely die there, and I had absolutely no problems with this fate.

However, sometimes fate has different plans, and totally fucks you over.

After fourteen years of living in the beautiful city of Malibu with my parents and four older siblings, I decided that I was now an adult, and thus ran away with my twenty two year old boyfriend, Michael Stevenson.

A lot of people did not approve of this pairing, understandably. He _was_ eight years older than me, but I thought I was in love. Not the Disney version of love, where a man rescues some damsel in distress and takes care of her and they live happily ever after. No, we were in the kind of love two broken people shared. No one could understand _why_ we were in love. He was a pessimist and came from a broken family that barely scraped by on government money, while I was the daughter of a wealthy businessman who constantly tried to find a bright side. There was never a time when Michael bought me dinner or surprised me with flowers, like I'd seen my father do for my mother. Instead, we shared each other's company with stolen sandwiches and cans of 99-cent tea.

An entire relationship was based solely on being broken, and being able to relate to that feeling. When we started to fall apart too much, we simply glued each other back together and held the pieces in place until it dried. The biggest flaw with this plan being that sometimes we broke at the same time, so we'd sit and try to figure out which piece belonged to whom. Sometimes a piece of my mind would end up in his and a piece of his heart would end up in mine.

To everyone else he was a screw-up. He didn't care enough about his education and too much about silly things like adventure and playing the guitar, but I understood him. I knew he was intelligent, but not willing to let that define him. We shared a secret hatred for conformity and thrived off of trying to be different in our respective ways.

Then the day came when he broke and wouldn't let me fix him, no matter how much I tried.

And when I pushed him too hard, he pushed back by giving me a black eye. I didn't tell anyone because I understood. He was dealing with PTSD and trying to get his life together. Trying to keep a job. I knew it was a lot of pressure, but the longer I waited for him to get better, the worse the abuse got.

He fortunately didn't hit me very often, but got mad at me for eating "his" food and drinking "his" beer, even though my trust fund was paying for our lives at that point.

After nineteen long months of this happening, I knew the relationship was not going to get better and it had to end. Even with this knowledge though, I didn't know where to go, I was almost seventeen and didn't think my family would necessarily accept me back into their lives with open arms. Thankfully, before I simply ran away to live on the streets, I met Charlie.

I had been sitting in a coffee shop writing when he noticed the bruises on the back of my neck. I had tried to cover them, but I later learned he was trained to notice those kinds of signs. There was no denying they were the shape of someone's hand, and before I could really understand why, I told him everything.

He begged me to go back home to my family, but after hours of trying to explain, he offered a compromise.

I contacted my parents then. I told them that I was leaving Michael, but not ready to come home yet. I was going up to Washington to live on my own for a while, to recover. They were surprisingly understanding.

I packed a bag of my things and left with Charlie while Michael was at work, and the lie was born.

I would pretend to be Charlie and his ex-wife's daughter. We didn't look very related, but not too obnoxiously different either. We both had brown eyes and brown hair, though mine was slightly darker, with more red in it, and despite my current residence, my skin looked like it had never seen the sun.

California was a magical place. But sometimes fate has different plans. Apparently, fate thought I belonged in Forks.

 **This was just a random idea I had…I mostly just thought Bella's backstory/entire personality could be a little more interesting/less flat. {Don't kill me Bella-lovers} I don't know if I stick with it but tell me if anyone would be interested whatsoever!**


	2. Chapter 2

**To the guest user who reviewed: First of all, THANKS SO MUCH FOR REVIEWING! I totally understand where you're coming from with Edward being a jerk but I still hope to pair them, but keep in mind that this isn't the same Bella, and Edward is going to go through some serious changes throughout the story hopefully! Also I just love the Alice/Jasper, Rosalie/Emmett and Esme/Carlisle pairings to break them up…I promise it will be worth it though.**

I know most girls coming from my situation would be hesitant to move 884.3 miles away with a man they didn't really know, but I wasn't most girls, I was Bella Starling, and I needed to get away from my old life. Charlie Swan was my way of doing that.

The drive was long and with that time Charlie and I got to know each other better. I learned he was a cop, and that was probably the reason he recognized the signs of abuse. He basically learned that I was weird. Ran away at the age of 14, finished high school by the time I turned 16, liked books, I liked writing them even more.

A lot of plans were made during that trip too. We decided I should probably register for high school again, so I didn't draw too much attention. I would change my phone number so Michael couldn't call anymore. We would say Renee {his ex-wife} never even told him I existed and wouldn't tell me who my father was until recently. He called Renee and explained the situation to her during the drive, apparently she had no problems with this plan.

After what seemed like a week-long journey, we made it to Forks.

Forks was weird.

Everything was green. And _wet._

Soon enough we were at Charlie's house. It seemed nice enough, I couldn't really complain after where I'd been living with Michael in San Francisco. Rent there was high and because I didn't want to spend all the money my parents had set aside for me, we were _poor._ Then again, compared to my parent's house, most places seemed unimpressive.

He showed me around the house and I very quickly decided that I would need to do something with what was going to be my room, he didn't seem to mind.

I quickly decided that I would start looking for a job as soon as possible. I know that the story was that Charlie was my father, but he wasn't. I wouldn't eat all his food and take up a room in his house without at least some sort of rent.

I made up the bed in the guest room with the sheets Charlie had in the linen closet. He went to bed around 10, which seemed surprisingly early to me for a grown man, but I wasn't here to judge. Sleeping that night didn't come easy, but it never did. After staring at the white ceiling for an hour and a half, I decided I would go on Pinterest for some inspiration for the redecoration of my new room. I finally started to get tired after a while, and when I looked at the small bedside clock I realized it was just past 4am.

This was nothing new, but I wasn't looking forward to having to wake up early again for school.

I woke up at 9 the next morning. I wasn't used to getting much sleep, but would have to make sure I stocked up on a decent amount of coffee when I went out today.

I had some time before I began school again. We figured that I could stay out for the rest of the week so I had time to get settled and I would register for classes on Friday and attend Monday.

I showered quickly after a quick bite to eat, still keeping in mind I would have to stock up with my own food as well. After trying to tame some of the frizz from my long curls, I dressed simply in leggings and a loose top and pulled on some rain boots. I borrowed one of Charlie's coats, hoping he wouldn't mind. I would have to get a jacket at some point too.

And I needed to find a car.

There was so much to do, sometimes I wish I had never left Malibu. Luckily, there was still nearly a million dollars in my bank account. I was grateful again that I hadn't decided to share the money in that account with Michael.

I found out that Forks had a bus system, which honestly confused me a little bit, but I was grateful nonetheless. I could use that to get to Port Angeles and get a bus from Port Angeles to Seattle, where I would be able to get a car. I thought a Mazda seemed like the best option for now, Jack got one when he turned sixteen and it seemed like a pretty reliable car.

I know buying a car isn't usually a one-day decision, but I was in a bit of a time crunch.

After the long bus ride, I finally got to the dealership and had a hard time getting the attention of a salesman. Apparently not many seventeen year old girls came in by themselves to buy cars. It eventually happened though and I didn't regret my decision, it was a good choice.

I went to the Verizon store next and picked out a phone and set up a new line, texting Charlie immediately after so I could wash his phone number off my hand.

I headed to Home Depot then, and decided to paint the walls a slightly dull sea-foam green after looking at the huge wall of paint samples. I got Behr brand Rio Sky {M440-1}. I also picked up the necessary supplies to paint the room and headed out to drive around looking for second-hand thrift stores to look for some diamond-in-the-rough furniture before going to pay full price for some things.

Seattle was apparently a good place to find thrift store furniture. I found a decent set of drawers that just needed to be fixed up a bit, as well as a desk and a cute rocking chair, as well as a desk chair with good shape, I could reupholster it fairly easily {thanks to my mother}. I also found a few old art pieces that interested me. It wouldn't all fit in my car, but they said they'd hold the desk and rocking chair long enough for me to unload my car at home and come back. I could get the rest of what I needed in Port Angeles after dropping those things off too.

I knew I could make a cute headboard out of old pallets, I'd seen my mom do it dozens of times when she helped people redecorate their homes. I would see if I could pick some up at some of the other stores.

After the two trips to Seattle, and another trip to Home Depot for some white paint to fix up the found furniture, I looked up a Pottery Barn in Port Angeles to find a duvet cover. I was so grateful Charlie had a duvet and not a regular comforter for the guest room, I had always preferred it. I managed to find some silk-blend sheets for a reasonable price, too. It had been such a long time since I allowed myself to buy nice things, I was happier than I had been in over a year.

I found a fabric store nearby and picked out some with a bold red and white floral print for the chair, and decided to buy white tulle to drape around the bed. It was something that reminded me of my room as a little girl. There were so many times I missed those dusty pink walls and the tulle my parents draped when I cried over not having a princess bed.

At this point I decided that Target seemed like a good idea. I needed to pick up some supplies for school, though I still had my old backpack covered in a galaxy print. I had been so excited to buy that freshman year. I grabbed a binder, dividers, filler paper, pens, and highlighters, I moved on to the home décor section. I grabbed a few more prints that caught my eye and a few candles. I also found some fairy lights to hang with the tulle. I also grabbed some "necessities" including face wash, moisturizer, shampoo, conditioner, scented body wash, a bottle of nail polish, and some coffee and tea. I also managed to find an old pallet they let me take home.

I only had one more errand to run after unloading the car again. It was time to buy groceries at the local supermarket.

Shopping for groceries in Forks was a much different experience than shopping in California. There wasn't an organic or vegan or juice cleanse section, and the produce seemed less vibrant-colored and fresh, but that could just be the lighting.

After stocking up on some pasta and things like chicken breasts and eggs, I went on the seemingly impossible mission of finding soymilk in the small market. I scanned the aisle four times before giving a slight whine of frustration and burying my head in my hands. It had been a long day and the lack of caffeine was giving me a headache. I was always up for a project, but I had run away from my boyfriend just yesterday and moved to a different state. I know it's ridiculous, but not being able to find something as simple as soymilk was apparently my breaking point.

"Excuse me" a soft, feminine voice said, "are you okay dear?"

I looked up in shock that someone had seen my mini-freak-out. "Oh, I'm sorry!" I replied, "Getting used to a new market can be frustrating sometimes, you know?" Hoping that seemed like a buyable excuse.

"Well what are you looking for? I'm Esme by the way, it's nice to meet you"

"Nice to meet you too, thanks. I'm Bella. I was just looking for soymilk, but can't seem to find any."

"Well, I don't know about soymilk, but they have almond milk in the baked goods section. Don't ask why, I have no clue" she smiled at me.

I smiled back at her and gave a quick "thank you" as I started to walk that direction. I missed my mother more than I thought I would, and something about that woman reminded me of her. Maybe I would call her when I got back to Charlie's.

I found the milk and paid for the groceries and headed to my new home. It was going to be strange getting used to living in a town so small. I came home to Charlie watching a baseball game on the TV.

"Hello Bella!" He said in a friendly, and slightly distracted tone.

"Hey Charlie! Have you eaten yet? I could whip something up" I held up the bags in my arms.

"If you want, we could order some pizza or something if you'd like too"

"It's fine, I know something quick and don't have cash on hand for a pizza"

He looked at me then and looked like he was going to say something, but dropped it.

I made a batch of my infamous lemon spaghetti and brought a plate out to the living room. "It tastes great, Bella!" He said brightly with a mouthful of noodles.

"Thanks, my mom taught me how to cook when I was younger" I said a little sadly.

I finished the plate fairly quickly and went up to my bedroom packed with furniture and sat on my bed.

I wasn't going to go back to Malibu yet, but I needed to at least hear her voice.

The phone rang for a while until I heard a gentle "Hello?"

I fought back the tears I felt spring into my eyes, "Hey mama"…

 **To everyone that is going to think I am totally rushing the beginning of this, that's because I am. Please keep reading, I swear that I {think} I've got some good ideas! R &R!**


	3. Chapter 3

"Oh, Bella!" I heard my mother cry into the phone, "I've missed hearing from you so much! Are you okay? Where are you? Do you need anything"

I laughed a little at her worry, but it was one of those half-hearted sad laughs that came out of you when you didn't really know how else to respond. "I'm fine, Mama" I insisted, "I just…I missed hearing you, too."

"So Washington? What's up there? I know you always thought about LA, but I didn't think Seattle was really your type, not enough sunshine…"

"It's not even Seattle, Mama. I'm trying out small-town living for now. A friend offered me some help. I want to come back to all of you soon, I just needed some time away, to heal, you know?"

"I know what you mean, baby. But you're just barely seventeen. You don't need to be such an _adult_ "

"I grew up a lot with Michael, Mama. More than I really wanted to, but I can't exactly turn back the clock."

I heard her give a sigh of sadness and then change the subject, probably sensing that continuing down that topic would only make me silent.

"So…tell me all about the small town"

We talked for hours. I told her about how I had to drive a couple of hours just for basic home décor supplies and that the grocery store kept soymilk in the baking aisle…she agreed that it was strange.

She told me about the family. How my brothers were doing in University and the working world. How my dog, Trixie, had had puppies while I was away.

She asked if I missed a lot of the things I'd left back home, mainly my books. When I was younger, I used to refuse to leave the house without a book, often shoving one into my much-too-heavy purse at the last minute. I was surprised she'd kept them, they took up so much room in the house, but simply responded with "Their your things, I have no business getting rid of them"

After promising to keep up our communication on a regular basis, I said a tearful goodbye with a promise to text her in the morning.

I showered again after that and readied myself for bed. I looked around the room while I waited for sleep to come, acknowledging that soon, I would have something that again felt like a home. After visualizing the new space a little longer, I drifted into quiet slumber.

I woke with a start to the sound of heavy feet on creaking floorboards. Charlie seemed to be in a hurry to get ready while also remaining quiet. I felt no need to tell him I was a light sleeper and would not show him by leaving my room just yet {he was already offering me a free place to stay, I would not make myself anymore of a burden} so I grabbed my phone instead and began to read.

I'd found an app the night before that offered a free collection of Shakespeare's works, and I was excited at the opportunity to reread them. His blank verse had lulled me to sleep and eased my anxiety so much when I was younger that I considered his words to be a major part of my life.

I began to lose myself in the story of _The Tempest_ and just as Prospero summoned Ariel, I heard the front door squeak open and closed again, followed by the faint click of a lock.

I sighed at the idea of leaving my warm nest of blankets and sheets, but there was a lot to do today, and I knew I should not waste it sitting in bed.

I enjoyed my morning coffee the way most people enjoy expensive wine. Slowly sipping to really enjoy the dark flavor of the French roast. It used to appall me the way some people drank with huge, greedy gulps, and while I'd gotten used to the sight, I refused to be _that_ person.

I showered again, reveling at the ability I had to obsess over my cleanliness the way I liked, and brushed my teeth several times and scrubbed my face vigorously. After being satisfied that all possible dirt, sweat, germs, etc were _off_ me, I dressed in an old, ratty tee shirt and yoga pants, knowing that I would not be leaving the house today.

I then indulged in another one of my dorky pleasures: list making.

Paint Room

Make Headboard

Fix-Up Vintage Finds

Literally Watch Paint Dry

Set Up Tulle, Fairy Lights, and Bed

Move Furniture In

Revel in Makeover Glory

Make Charlie Dinner as "Thanks"

Call Mom

Most of the things on my list were fairly simple and went according to plan. Decorating rooms in a small amount of time was more or less second nature to me. When I lived at home, I did it to my own room at least once a year, and helped my mom with others when I was done with mine.

The only thing that gave me even the least bit of trouble was the reupholstering, but even that didn't take too long. Waiting for all the paint to dry was by far the hardest part.

While I waited to move everything I made Charlie baked salmon with roasted vegetables and some whipped potatoes. He came home just as I was garnishing the plate and warmly thanked me for the gesture. I said the polite "You're Welcome" in response, but knew in my gut it wasn't just a kind gift, it was owed.

I finished quickly, having given myself a much smaller portion and went to move the furniture upstairs, seeing as the paint would be dry enough now. Charlie finished his meal soon after and insisted he help. I felt bad, he had already done so much, and I was used to moving furniture on my own, but in the end I was grateful, the stairs were slightly harder to maneuver than I anticipated.

With the desk chair moved upstairs the room was complete and I gave myself silent praise, proud that I had accomplished so much in a day. It felt nice to be in my element again.

Charlie gave a low whistle. "Damn, kid. I can't believe you did all that in one day…It looks great though!"

I beamed at him, not having heard praise from someone else in quite a while. "Thanks, Charlie! It's just experience I guess"

That seemed to be enough conversation for him and he left the room to go watch some sort of game on television. I didn't mind, I had gotten fairly used to being alone and I think if he tried to shatter that bubble too quickly, it would do more damage than good. Not that I thought Charlie was the type of person that would _ever_ shatter that bubble.

I went downstairs and made a warm cup of sleepytime tea. While waiting for it to steep I also took a melatonin supplement I had managed to find at the store the other day. It looked like I would have to make another short trip to Port Angeles in the morning, I needed to find the vitamin D, iron, and calcium supplements somewhere and apparently Forks grocery didn't carry it. I hadn't taken them in months and knew they must be messing with my body. I highly doubted deficiencies just went away.

I also thought I'd buy a few books while I was there. Just some of my favorites and maybe something new that jumped out to me. I would start the job hunt after registering for school tomorrow.

I threw the teabag away and headed upstairs, setting the mug on my desk to cool while I showered yet again.

After ensuring that I was as clean as I was going to be, I went into my room and sipped my tea while losing myself in the story of Prospero while nestled into the blankets. After setting the drained mug down I turned off the fairy lights and tried to get some sleep…

 **A/N: Okay so I know this is like, super lame of me but I can't remember if I said there was a specific day when Bella came to Forks so I'm going to assume that the day she just had was Wednesday. Please review! Love y'all!**


	4. Chapter 4

Sleep did not come nearly as easily as I had hoped.

Though I was left exhausted after such a long day, I was restless with a mind that just couldn't figure out how _not_ to race. I thought a lot of Michael and how our relationship started, the love that I still felt for him, enduring through all the bruises and tears. There was no way for me to not love him, pieces of him were still left in me.

Sometimes I was still shocked by the worst of the abuse. How could the man that I fell in love with do those things to me? How could he hit me and take his drunken anger out on me and then sober up and say he loved me? How did the man I fell in love with turn into this, this haughty, disgrace of a man?

I started to think then of my new home, in _Forks._

I'm sorry, but people are not meant to live in a place where the sun shined so little. I missed the beach and eating my breakfast of yogurt and tea on my parents veranda while the sun shined in. I missed morning sun salutations in the sand. I missed the sound of the waves. I missed the feeling of my parents arms around me and the silly "I love you" games my dad and I used to play. I missed the ridiculous arguments at the dinner table that was just a game to my family but everyone else thought was destructive behavior.

With these thoughts I started to cry in a way I hadn't in a while. Heavy sobs shook through my entire body and no matter what I tried I could not cease the constant stream of tears running down my face. I worried about waking Charlie, but apparently nothing less than a blood-curdling scream would rouse him. After all the tears were cried out, the light started to change just slightly, signaling the sun shining somewhere. I stared blankly out my window while the sound of Charlie's tired morning routine quietly floated through my thin door.

Apparently today was going to be the type of day where I went without sleep. After hearing the final click of the lock, I slipped out of bed and logged into my Spotify account, hoping blasting some upbeat music and an extreme amount of coffee would perk me up.

It did.

Soon I was dancing energetically to a mix of indie artists and Katy Perry, my guilty pleasure of choice.

I took a quick shower as usual and dressed in black leggings {not really caring if people looked down on me for them not really being pants, they were _comfy_ }. I paired it with a flowy beige and white layered top, a burgundy and gray wool flannel I stole from my grandfather ages ago, and a cowhide print scarf {because mixing patterns was fun}. Feeling proud that I looked more like the Bella I knew, the one that should still probably live in Malibu, I settled myself in front of the mirror, ready to meticulously apply a bit of makeup.

I never liked the look of piled on foundation and a dark, smokey eye during the day, but a bit of powder here and some winged liner and mascara never hurt anyone. With a final look in the mirror I realized that if I _really_ wanted to look like the old Bella, I would add some bold lipstick, but things had changed. Plus, I didn't have any.

I grabbed a pair of black booties and my purse and headed back downstairs. After hunting for some sort of travel mug to get another cup of coffee and eating down a dry piece of toast, I put on a pair of cat-eye sunglasses {mostly to trick myself into thinking there was more sunshine} I headed out to Port Angeles.

The beginning of the trip was uneventful. I found the supplements and a few bookshops that were okay, but nothing too outstanding. I was ready to head back when I realized it was only 10am, and after the night I just had, I kind of felt like I deserved a bit of a shopping trip.

It felt a little ridiculous saying something like that since I had blown through almost $29,000 this week, but most of that was the car, and I hadn't indulged in a long time. I quickly decided that Seattle's shopping seemed _much_ more appealing, so dedicated myself to the extra few hours it would take. Being a Southern California girl at heart, a few hours in the car didn't seem that out of the ordinary.

The first thing that was in order was another cup of coffee, and after a quick yelp search, decided I'd try a place called Seattle Coffee Works. Then I lost myself in dozens of independent bookshops and looking for clothes in the thrift stores. I had a quick bite to eat around lunchtime and continued my escapade, fully enjoying myself once again. It was nearing 3pm when I decided that a trip to a mainstream mall could probably do me some good as well.

I made a few short stops at places like Forever 21 and Victoria's Secret and absolutely raided Free People and Anthropologie and spent way too much time and money in Aldo when I decided that my bank account had witnessed enough abuse for one day and my car was getting pretty full. With one last stop at Bath and Body works to stock up on things like body wash and candles, I was ready to leave. On my way out, however, I passed a MAC counter in Nordstroms and the same thought from this morning haunted me now.

 _If you really want to be your old self, grab a few tubes of lipstick._

I couldn't convince myself otherwise so I browsed the counter trying to figure out which would be the first to start a new collection when I started to realize that maybe I wouldn't be completely the same Bella here, just, a really really close version. I avoided old staples like Ruby Woo, Rebel, and Cyber and instead went for Spice it up and Syrup. The first was still a bit of a dark shade, but a lustre, and buildable.

 **"Hey mama!"** I texted, **"Quick lipstick advice?"**

 **"Yes please!"** she quickly responded.

I tried on both and sent pictures, **"I can't decide which"**

 **"Why decide? Get both!"**

I laughed a little at the logic I had learned from a young age, but was happy to oblige.

 **"Good thinking!"**

 **"Trust me, I know. Call me later!"**

I paid the girl working at the register and headed for my car again.

Feeling overly happy with how the day had turned out, I packed all my bags into the trunk and headed home.

I didn't get home until just after 8pm, and Charlie was already digging into a slice of pizza. I grimaced a little at the sight, wishing I had been able to make him something, but was grateful all the same. The sleepless night was catching up to me and the thought of making a meal didn't seem appealing whatsoever.

He smiled as he saw me drop the first batch of bags at the foot of the stairs. "Successful shopping day in Port Angeles, then?"

"I actually ended up going out to Seattle, more variety, you know?"

"Makes sense" he said simply and dropped it at that.

I managed to fetch the rest of the bags in only one more trip and stumbled over the threshold, but thankfully managed to not actually fall. I was going to start up the stairs when I heard Charlie behind me.

"Did you already eat dinner, then?"

I didn't know how to go about answering this. I was really hungry, and didn't feel like cooking, but the pizza was Charlie's and I didn't feel comfortable eating his food. Plus I was a terrible liar, and didn't want to say I wasn't hungry when I knew he'd probably be able to read it in my face.

I put the bags down and headed into the kitchen then, giving in to the enticing scent of food. I reached into my purse and pulled out a five while going for a slice with the other hand.

"Bella, I don't want your money. It's just a friendly gesture, okay?"

"But you paid for the pizza, I should chip in if I'm going to eat it"

"Bella," he said, as closely to stern as I'd heard him, "I will be offended if you continue to try to hand me that money. Just eat the pizza, okay?" He smiled at me.

It didn't feel right but I didn't want to offend him either so I gave in, trying to come up with some way to sneak the money into his wallet later.

We made light conversation about the day and laughed a bit at my commitment to bringing in all the bags in as few trips as possible. After eating two slices I washed my hands and picked the bags back up. After storing everything in it's new home, I rushed through my usual evening routine and tucked myself into bed, even though it was only 9:30—I was exhausted beyond belief.

I didn't wake up until 10 the next morning, and was extremely grateful for the well-rested feeling in my body. I went downstairs to discover a note from Charlie saying not to worry about registering for school, that he would take care of it. I was grateful to not have to go through that whole situation, but at the same time was worried about what classes I'd be put in. When I went through school the last time I was in nearly all AP classes, the normal ones boring me to death. I wasn't sure that a town this small would really offer as many advanced courses as the one I had gone to, but hoped nonetheless.

I decided that I would enjoy another quiet day in while I could. I figured that I would find all Forks had to offer soon enough and didn't want to spoil it too soon. I still showered and dressed in clean clothes, those clothes just happened to be clean pajamas.

I'd watched two Audrey Hepburn movies and one episode of the Dick Van Dyke show and called my mother when I thought to clean some dishes. All the dishes were clean already, but I wanted to clean them _more._

My therapist in Malibu would be severely disappointed.

I had done all the plates and cups when I moved to knives. Even with trying to be extra-careful, my clumsy and slippery fingers still slipped and the knife slit my forearm.

I hissed in pain while also trying to not faint and freak out about the fact that blood was getting on things I needed to clean. I held a paper towel to the wound for a while but when the bleeding wouldn't stop after 23 minutes, I figured I should probably go to a doctor. When I had enough paper towels and tape covering the blood sufficiently that I couldn't see it or smell it and it wasn't going to get on anything, I drove off to find the hospital.

It was easy to find and I was there within five minutes. I parked my car and before walking in I took off my obnoxious paper-towel-and-tape bandaid and threw all but one in the trash, not wanting to walk in looking insane. It was still bleeding quite a bit and I thought that maybe I shouldn't have waited _quite_ so long to come, but I couldn't change that now.

The lady behind the front desk gasped as I entered, I was guessing it was because of the blood, but I still felt self-conscious that I was in pajamas and ugg boots with no makeup and my hair looked like a brunette version of that girl from the Disney movie Brave.

I wasn't quite sure what to say as I walked up but didn't have to, she was already talking for me, assuring me that someone would patch that up quickly. A nurse came by quickly after that and escorted me to one of the curtained-off "rooms". I was expecting them to get my information and everything first, but I guess there weren't enough patients to worry about losing track of one of them.

She helped me up onto the bed and before waiting long, a doctor was heading toward us.

He was a very handsome doctor, and looked super young to have gone through medical school, but I wasn't going to bother worrying about it when all he had to do was sew up a cut for me. Hell, if I could stand to look at it, I would do it myself.

"Hello, Miss" He said and smiled at me. It wasn't the smile I was paying attention to though, it was his eyes. They were the same as the woman from the store the other day, and his voice had the same silky undertone. I was pulled out of my temporary distraction by him saying "Let's stitch you right up then, okay?"

"Wait!" I said, suddenly panicked about having to give insurance information for this. Surely in a town this small, people would make the connection between my insurance card and license saying Isabella Starling when I was going to be known as Isabella Swan here. "I can pay for this out-of-pocket, right?"

He gave me a questioning look and then a slight nod. "Technically you can, but a cut this big could be as much as $800. Aren't you covered by your parent's insurance?"

"Oh, yeah." I said, trying to come up with an explanation, "The money isn't a problem, I just, don't want them knowing that I was using this one specific knife to cook, the knife that cut me," …even I could hear the ridiculousness in my voice, "It's no big deal, really" I finished lamely.

"Okay then." He said, almost sounding sad for some reason.

He stitched me up quickly, I barely even had time to freak out about a needle going through my skin dozens of times. He tied it off and I was getting ready to get off the bed and pay for the small operation when he looked at me and said, "May I please speak with you privately for a moment, Miss…." Trailing off, obviously trying to get a last name out of me.

"Swan," I tried to say brightly, "Isabella Swan. I just moved here, and sure"

He led me to a private exam room then, and I wondered why I hadn't been brought here in the first place when the attractive doctor started to ask questions.

"Miss Swan," He started somewhat quietly, "I'm sorry I have to ask you this, but I need to know if that cut was an attempt to harm yourself."

I laughed a little, which probably wasn't the appropriate response, but I couldn't help it. "Doctor" I looked down at his badge "Cullen, I can assure you this was just an accident, no big deal. I'm sorry for the laughter, it was just unexpected is all. I didn't know I gave off that impression, to be honest."

"It wasn't you that gave off the impression," He stated and gestured to the arm he had recently fixed, "May I?" He asked.

I offered him my arm and he flipped it over, I thought to point out the cut nearing the inside of my elbow, but instead he pointed to the faded scars on my wrist, ones I hadn't forgotten about, per se, just forgotten to remember.

"I know what these are, and it wouldn't be that far off to guess this new cut went with the others"

I felt angry for someone accusing me of doing _that_ again, but tried my best to sound as charming as possible, "Doctor Cullen, I assure you this was purely an accident and if it weren't, I surely wouldn't seek medical help for it. Thank you very much for your help, but I would like to go home now"

I turned and opened the door, walking toward the front desk.

The lady smiled at me again, and when I told her I would be paying out of pocket she shook her head and said that Dr. Cullen had told her he was doing it for free.

I had some serious mixed feelings with this guy.

I thanked her anyways and headed to the car.

This town would take some getting used to.

 **A/N: I'm sorry if it's not written the best, but I really do want to get started on the actual Twilight part of the story sooooo yeah. Hope you enjoyed it anyways! Did anyone like the little Carlisle cameo? Let me know by R &R please!**


	5. Chapter 5

Nearly the rest of the weekend passed uneventfully. I watched more movies, Charlie asked about my arm, I became more comfortable in the kitchen, and even my sleep had gotten a little better as my surroundings became slightly more familiar to me.

I spoke with my parents for several hours via phone calls and Skype sessions, and participated in the family Skype call Sunday evening that had been initiated when the twins moved out of the house for college. Seeing my family again was surreal…for a moment, I almost regret ever leaving, but regret was an emotion that took up far too much time and I therefore ignored it.

I continued to hide the ever-embarrassing habit of talking to myself. I had done it my entire life, and my parents tried to break me of it when I was little, but every time I was scolded for it I stood up as tall as I could and proudly said "I am far too interesting to not be able to enjoy a conversation with myself."

At the shock of hearing this particular sentence come out of their four-year-old's mouth, they left it alone and accepted it as a "personality trait."

The panic did not come until late Sunday night. I had no logical reason to be afraid, I was sociable and didn't exactly require many friends to function, classes had always come easily to me, and it was better than sitting around the house all day twiddling my thumbs. Plus, attending this school was a vital part of my alibi. And to add whipped cream to the chocolate shake, I had a valid reason to pull out my planner and actively use it again, which was something that I had taken immense pride in over the years. My planner gave me life, but Michael hadn't liked me using it, so I didn't.

Really, I should not be panicking.

I kept reminding myself of this until the inevitable happened and I had a full-scale panic attack. My heart felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest and I could have sword there was no oxygen in the room. My hands curled up into tight fists that I couldn't un-squeeze and I felt my nails dig sharply into my palm. Thought after wretched thought raced through my mind for what felt like hours. After a few minutes though, my mind began to quiet and breathing became slightly more bearable. I managed to open the window to let a cool breeze in and remembered that when I was younger and on the verge of panic, my family would always hand me water to drink…which somehow always helped.

My knees still shook as I made the trek down the stairs and I made it to the cabinet containing drinking glasses. My hands loosened their grip and I thought I would make it through this without any lasting effects until my fingers tightened up again, putting just enough pressure on the glass for it to shatter and fall to the ground in pieces.

I heard what I assume was the sound of Charlie falling out of bed as he quickly ran down the stairs to the source of the sound until our eyes met in the kitchen.

"Bella" he nearly shouted, while also sounding slightly relieved.

 _This isn't really happening._

 _It's a dream, Bella, that's all…time to wake up._

 _I woke him up! I didn't know that was even possible!_

 _I broke his glass! I have to pay him!_

 _What have I done?_

"Bella?" Charlie called again, significantly more hesitant. I could only imagine what I looked like. Standing there in a robe and a broken pile of glass. Knees shaking. Tear tracks dried on my face from earlier with fresh ones in the process of being made. Hands clenched tight like I was ready to punch something. _Unresponsive_ I reminded myself.

"OhmigodCharlieI'msosorry!" I blurted out as soon as I had control over my own mouth again. "I didn't mean to wake you, I'm sorry about the glass, I'll pay to replace it I swear, just tell me where you got them from. Please, go back to bed, I'll clean this up, it'll be fine" I didn't mean to say that last part out loud.

"Woah, Bella. What happened? Are you okay? Are you bleeding or anything?"

"I'm fine!" I tried to say cheerily, "just a little clumsy, that's all!"

"Yeah-huh…" he mumbled, "Please, Bella, just tell me what is wrong."

"Really, Charlie. It was just a panic attack, no big deal, I'm totally fine. Sorry about the glass"

I bent over to pick up the bigger pieces when I felt him grab my shoulders. I knew it was him, but wasn't exactly comfortable with people coming up from behind yet, so I jumped nonetheless.

"Sorry…I forgot about the touching thing, I'm sorry" he said gently. "Please, Bella, put the glass down, go sit on the couch. Were you trying to get water? I'll get some for you."

I mumbled a quiet thank you before walking in the direction I had been instructed and slowly sank into the worn sofa. Charlie followed quickly with a glass of cool water and handed it to me.

"First of all, are you sure you're okay? Physically? Emotionally? You're not going to freak out anymore?"

I responded with a quiet no before he continued.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Another whispered no.

"Okay then. Why don't you go upstairs and at least try to get some rest and I'll clean up the glass…okay? It's not a big deal and you don't have to pay for the glass, I've done it before. But you have school tomorrow and you can't fall asleep on your first day!" He added brightly at the end.

I said another 'thank you' and went up the stairs to my room. I considered taking another shower, but I had taken one before getting ready for bed anyways and the attack had taken any shred of energy out of me so I pulled back the covers, fluffed the pillows, and fell into bed, quickly followed by a long black slumber.

 **A/N: Sorry it's been a few weeks everyone…I've been busy buying a place to live! Anyways, I'm sorry it's short but I have more to come I promise. Thanks for reading, please review!**


	6. Chapter 6

The annoyingly familiar shrill of my alarm clock woke me much earlier than I believed people should be alive. At 5:45 in the morning, I had just two hours and 48 minutes of sleep under my belt and enthusiasm that could only be comparable to a corpse…that had been buried for several years.

This miserable morning also marked the first alarm clock I'd broken in two years. Then again, the annoying thing deserved it.

"You can totally do this, Bella" I spoke to myself while rubbing the sleep from my eyes, "Just, start with coffee"

After several minutes, I managed to trudge down the stairs and start the pot, making sure it would be extra strong. I considered eating breakfast—it was supposed to be the most important meal of the day—but I wasn't quite sure my stomach was even awake yet.

I serenely sipped the first {of many} mugs of delight as I went through the checklist in my head once again. _Get up, get coffee, shower, brush teeth, hair makeup, outfit, school. Classes, introductions, home, coffee, homework. More coffee. Make dinner, call mom, shower, chill out. Restart._

Surprisingly, my lists didn't bring the same sense of calm it usually did. My fears from the other night were still present, and I could not figure out why. This particular day had such an acute feeling of foreboding and I was not looking to find out why that was.

"Maybe it's nothing…maybe you just don't want to go back to school because it's boring. You're in Forks anyways…I'm sure nothing too terrible ever happens here"

I refilled my cup and headed for the shower, doing my best to ignore the waves of anxiety beginning to wash over me once again.

I don't think I'd tried so hard to be clean in a long time. I turned the water to the hottest possible temperature. I shampooed and conditioned my hair three times followed by a deep conditioning mask. I shaved every square inch of my body from the neck down…three times. I used a sugar scrub to get any possible flake of dead skin off and scrubbed myself down with a shower poof several times. I cleaned under my fingernails and toenails and exfoliated my face. By the time I was done my palms were almost painfully pruny and my skin was bright pink from the heat of the water.

I got out and dried off, immediately covering myself in my favorite lemon-scented lotion and moisturizer for my face. I brushed my tongue and my teeth {three times} and set to work fixing my hair. I the feeling of product in my curls, but allowed some pillow soft curl cream on special occasions…like when I was trying to not freak out. If I smelled bad or looked dirty or my hair was a mess, people would stare, and the last thing I wanted right now was attention. The product worked its magic and soon the frizz in my hair was down to a minimum with softer, wavier curls instead of the tight ringlets my hair sported on its own.

Due to the lack of sleep, I had to use an inordinate amount of concealer to look like a normal human being, but it thankfully didn't cake up or look fake on my face. There were few things I hated more than cake face. With some winged liner, mascara, blush, and highlighter, I left my face alone and tried to move on, even with the serious desire to go all out.

After assembling an outfit that I thought was plain enough to not draw attention but not so plain I would, I grabbed my phone, keys, wallet, another mug of coffee, and school bag and headed for the door.

Forks High was…well it _was_ in Forks, so it really shouldn't be that surprising, but it was _interesting._

I'd never seen a school mostly indoors before. California just wasn't like that. There weren't gates or security guards, and no officer parked outside the office. There were plenty of parking spaces due to the fact that I ended up being almost 30 minutes early.

Going inside was almost somehow, weirder. There were lockers…like actual, usable lockers lining the hallway and fluorescent lights made the ugly linoleum tile shine in that weird way where something that isn't clean is made to look like it. Thankfully, the office was conveniently located right next to the front door, so I couldn't get lost just yet.

The door shut more loudly than I was expecting and made me jump. That's the same time when an older, red-headed lady noticed my presence and smiled brightly. "Oh! You must be Bella Swan!" she greeted—overly cheerful. She then gave me the rundown of my classes and a highlighted map, which I really didn't think would be much help…there were _three freaking stories_ to this place.

The class schedule seemed simple enough, even slightly remedial to be honest. Most kids I knew took Biology their freshman year of high school, and it was on the schedule for juniors. I couldn't tell if the prospect of such an easy semester excited me or just seemed boring, though I guess I'd find out soon enough.

Since I had so much time, I tried to walk through the map she gave me and it was surprisingly easier than I thought. With the exception of the cafeteria, which I wasn't sure I would go into anyways, I had located all the rooms and was headed back to the first floor when the homeroom bell rang.

Apparently all my efforts this morning were wasted, because the second I walked through the door, I could _feel_ people staring at me. The teacher greeted me and pointed to an open seat, which I gladly took until I discovered that there was old gum on the bottom that I accidentally _touched_ and almost burst into tears. I felt bad asking to go to the bathroom first thing during the first period of the day so I sanitized my hands a few times and waited for it to be over the best I could.

When that _sacred_ bell finally rang I quickly gathered my things and headed for the door when an Asian kid with dark, oily hair stepped in front of me. "Hi! You must be that new kid Bella…" he tried to continue but I was still freaking out from the residual feeling of chewed gum against my hand when I responded with a "Great to meet you, I really have to go, sorry!"

I pretty much ran to the girls bathroom and let myself freak out for a minute while I started scrubbing. "Ohmigodohmigodohmigod getitoffgetitoffgetitoff ewwwwww pleeeeeeeeassse let it be off!" Unfortunately, this school didn't see or acknowledge the beauty of hot water and the killing-germ properties it had. After several pumps of soap, and repeated washing and rinsing, I was horrified to find that there were no paper towels, only those disgusting, bacteria-spreading hand dryers. I wiped my hands on my jeans instead and headed for the door. I was probably going to be late for my next class, but I honestly didn't care. Besides, I thought I was doing a great job, I didn't even freak out about the state of the bathroom, which was another "thing" of mine.

I managed to make it into the Spanish room just as the bell sounded and the teacher thankfully just smiled and pointed to another empty chair as I mumbled an apology and an excuse about getting lost…it worked, considering it was my first day.

The rest of my classes passed smoothly and I met a lot of my fellow classmates until lunch, where I once again had the debate with myself about trying to be a normal teenager and just going into the cafeteria, if only to get some bottled water, or hiding in my car until it was time for my final two classes.

 _Oh my god, Bella,_ "just try" I muttered out loud. In my defense, I really _did_ try. And it was awful. The second the doors opened I was assaulted by the smell of processed food and body odor. There were teenagers everywhere, talking loudly, and the place looked horrendous. There was trash on the ground and smudges and crumbles of food on the table. There was a soda machine with a telltale sticky spot on the ground and I was NOT going to stay in there.

People were still staring too, which didn't help anything. I turned around and bolted to my car. Throwing my bag in the passenger seat and closing the door behind me as quickly as I could, not feeling comfortable at all. I sanitized my hands again, but really I wanted a shower, another loooooong shower. I sat there, doing my best not to hyperventilate in the school parking lot when a group of teenagers walked in front of my car, towards the cafeteria. The thing was, these didn't look like normal teenagers.

First of all, they looked _clean,_ which I was much more happy about than a sane person should have been. But they also seemed older, not in the way it's easy to see who got held back a few years, but in the way they carried themselves. They were all gorgeous, and even that sounded like an understatement. And they were pale, possibly even more than me, though that wasn't too common. The most nerve-wracking thing of all though, was the one in the back, giving me the same confused stare I'd been given a lot this past day. It was like he was trying to read my mind or something, which was super weird. Not to mention super awkward, since Adonis here is catching me right at the time my cheeks are a splotchy pink, I'm holding back tears, and breathing like a maniac.

 _Coffee._ The thought comes suddenly, _I need coffee._

Which I totally do. I ran out just after second period and have been dying for another cup, and nothing guarantees calming down like a latte. With hazelnut. It's basically angel tears.

I check the class schedule the woman in the office gave me once again and notice that, if it's right, I still have a half hour until I have to be in _biology_ , so I put my car in reverse and back out of the space.

It only takes ten minutes for me to find a Starbucks, even in a town this small. I go in and am instantly relaxed again by the smell alone. A friendly barista takes my order and soon I'm headed back up the highway towards the school.

With another 7 minutes to spare before the first bell, I sit and sketch in my car until it rings, quickly gathering my things and headed back into the dreaded building. People I talked to earlier in the day ask where I was at lunch and if I was okay. I smile and hold up the Starbucks cup, telling them I just needed some caffeination. The joke is lost on them…apparently teenagers here aren't addicted to coffee like they were back home.

I find the classroom again in plenty of time as my teacher once again points to the empty seat that will soon be mine. I turn around to follow where he's pointing and that's when I seem him, Adonis, looking like he just swallowed something nasty.

 **A/N: If you guys haven't noticed yet, I'm really not doing very much reviewing with this fic…it's just supposed to be fun for me honestly, and I don't want to take away from that. Still though, if you enjoy it please review!**


	7. Chapter 7

Unfortunately, the only seat available, in the entire classroom, was next to him. I sighed and trudged towards his desk, not looking forward to finding out why he had that look plastered on his face. Surely I didn't smell bad, right? I had made sure this morning that wasn't a possibility. And even if I did, there was no way he could have known from that distance.

Was it because he saw me in my moment of weakness? Had the impression of a girl about to have a mental breakdown in her car somehow damned myself in his eyes? I didn't think that sounded quite right, either. Though his stare had been mostly curious, there was also a glint of concern in those eyes. Well, at least at the time.

I was too consumed by these thoughts to pay attention to my surroundings, and tripped over a slight imperfection in the otherwise evenly laid out tiles. Thankfully, I managed to catch myself with my other foot before my coffee and books could tumble to the ground, along with myself, saving me just a bit of embarrassment.

Adonis was now glaring at me.

 _Geez buddy, I'm sorry I don't have the grace of a Victoria's Secret model during the fashion show._

I tried to ignore the glare and plastered on a slight smile…just a hint of one in hopes it might warm him up to me just a bit.

It did not.

He kept right on glaring and I had the urge to do something childish, like stick my tongue out at him, or simply glare back. The social cues engrained into me since childhood were not so easily ignored though. I made it back to the seat and placed my books and the cooling latte down.

"Hey!" I tried to say brightly, "I'm Bella Swan, sorry to take your extra space but I can't exactly sit on the floor!" I tried to joke.

Apparently nobody in this town understood jokes.

He sat silently, ignoring that I was even there. His head now looked straight forward, to the front of the classroom and his shoulders were rigid. I imagined him shaking from anger, and it sadly didn't seem too unlikely a scenario.

 _Well, now what?_

I guessed taking the hint and ignoring him right back would be the best thing. I grabbed a few blank sheets of paper from my binder and carefully uncapped the blue ballpoint pen I'd been using all day. I made sure that the clip of the cap lined up perfectly with the logo and set it down on top of my paper.

I took another sip of the coffee, which thankfully wasn't cold yet. Even if I couldn't glare back or stick my tongue out at him, I didn't need his overly imposing form taking away from my concentration. I moved almost all my hair over my right shoulder, creating a slight blanket of safety between myself and him. A few curls strayed back the left, but I was too annoyed and anxious to care.

 _Okay. Just focus on the notes. These are important notes. This lecture is probably going to be riveting. So put all your attention on class._

I wrote my name in the top corner in my usual loopy scrawl and waited for class to begin.

Much to my dismay, the class was _not_ riveting, far from it in fact. All of this information I had learned before and it was not doing a great job of holding my attention. Instead, I doodled daffodils in the margin of my paper, letting it distract me from much more unpleasant things, things sitting right beside me.

Soon the class was nearing its end and I somehow managed to fill at least one page with regurgitated information and sketches. The boy sitting next to me stood up quickly, sharply, and started walking towards the door in the same second that the bell signaled the end of sixth period.

I didn't know that I was that bad to be around.

The last class was gym, which I wasn't looking forward to for a number of reasons, but the main one being sweat, in public, around other people. _Gross._

Jessica Stanley offered to show me where the locker room was since she had it next as well. I gathered my things and slung my bag over my shoulder, gulping the last dregs of the latte while I did, and tossing the cup in the trash bin on my way out.

Soon Jessica was opening a door with a "Girls" sign on the front and I was assaulted by the smell of body odor for the second time that day, along with a tinge of mildew. This was seriously beginning to be too much. I couldn't take it anymore. This school was disgusting, and these smells were disgusting, and I was tired and the weird kid in biology hated me and I didn't want to be here and I needed to get _out._ I needed another shower, and clean clothes and fresh makeup.

Jessica was waiting for me to continue following her towards the row of lockers but I sucked in a breath through my mouth, told her I was going to get some water, and left the awful room without breathing anymore. I was going to have to figure out a way to get out of this.

There were no gates and no security guards, I really could just leave. Before I could think too heavily of any possible consequences, I speed walked to my car and was headed home in just under two minutes. Rolling down the windows to let the smell of wet asphalt roll through the car, anything was better than what I felt was stuck to me from that school.

I made it home quickly to find a huge package on the doorstep in my name, which seemed weird until I saw the return address, at which point I got really, _really_ excited. I loved my entire family, obviously, but had had such a wonderful bond with my sister in law before I left that it hurt the most to think about. She had been my big sister and confidant, a cheerleader and a support system since I was six years old. Needless to say, I missed her a lot.

I carried the box to the kitchen table and searched the cabinets and drawers for a pair of scissors. Finding none, I settled for a knife and carefully sliced through the thick tape.

 _Cheers to your second first day of High School! Love, Sean and Kaya._

Right on top, caressed by tissue paper, was a bottle of rose. My parents never kept alcohol in the house but we had been allowed to experience the joys of wine and champagne on special occasions and at the number of formal charity events. I remember the first time I tasted rose, I thought it was crafted by gods or something. Underneath its throne of paper were several packages wrapped in white and rose gold paper {rose gold being another favorite of mine}. I took care opening them, not ripping any of the edges and neatly smoothing the paper out on the table before opening each box. This process took about 45 minutes, but there wasn't any other way to do it in my head. I wasn't a Neanderthal, I wasn't just going to _rip the paper._ When I came to the last box, I already had a crystal champagne glass, a coral throw pillow { _with pom-poms!_ }, nail polish, my favorite _Fresh_ face mask, a couple lush bath bombs and bubble bars, Philosophy's Fresh Cream lotion, and a tube of Ruby Woo lipstick. I opened the last box to see a string of elephants with a small bell at the end. It was very beautiful, and I felt the need to display it somewhere here in my new home, I barely had any elephants anyways, not like my old room that was covered in little trinkets in the shape. At the bottom of this box, there was another note: _Sean and I bought this for you on our trip to India two years ago. You probably already know this but they're supposed to represent wisdom and mental strength, as well as bring good luck. You are so smart, we know that whatever you're dealing with, you'll get through it beautifully. We love you, please visit anytime._

The kind words were too much and I started to cry like I had only a few nights before. Huge sobs shaking through my entire body. Their faith was misplaced. I couldn't do this.

I couldn't be the new kid. I couldn't just go back to who I was before running away from home, I couldn't be _Bella._ I couldn't reinvent myself either, it just didn't feel right. I couldn't deal with the imperfections I knew followed me around all the time and I _could not_ deal with that school. Not the dirty floors and desks and the smells of the cafeteria and locker room. If I had to smell that again, I was going to lose it…like completely lose it. I would have to come home and bathe myself in bleach if I had to smell that again.

A bath. I needed a bath. I even had bath bombs to enjoy it now, but in order to do it properly, it would take a little work, and a lot of water. I took the box upstairs and set the crystal glass and champagne on my desk, not needing to put it in the fridge since the cool weather had kept it cold enough. I found the cleaning products in the bathroom sink and began to scrub the bathtub, making sure it was sparkling before even considering getting in. I tied my hair up and took a quick shower then, getting any possible dirt off of me. Another quick scrub, and I was ready to fill the tub with fresh water and lush goodies. I brought a candle I found at Target into the bathroom and set it on the counter, letting the clean scents envelope me, and popped the top of the champagne, pouring myself a glass and setting the bottle next to the tub as I sank into the warm water.

 _This is much better._ I'm clean, the smells are off and away from me, I have champagne…maybe I can do this. I closed my eyes and just sat, feeling more laid back than I had since I moved here. A few cathartic tears were still shed, though the sticky feeling they left behind was quickly rubbed off with the soapy water. After my skin was once again wrinkled and I had gone through half a bottle of rose, I pulled the plug and dried off, still feeling almost totally at peace.

When I got back to my room and dressed in yoga pants and an oversized sweater, I realized it was already four and I still had homework to do, not to mention make dinner for Charlie. I pulled my hair down and put the champagne in the fridge, thinking Charlie might want some. I pulled out a few frozen chicken breasts to thaw, washing my hands thoroughly when I was done, even if they were sealed in plastic, and made a fresh pot of coffee, and walked back upstairs, praying that I would get through the assignments easily tonight. Not that it mattered if I wasn't sure I could go back anyways, but still.

I pulled my planner and my binder out of my backpack and looked at what had been assigned over the day. I don't know why I kept writing it down, no one around me had ever understood either, I never forgot what or when things were due, but it still felt nice.

My first drafts came easily. If I was comfortable leaving it at that, my homework would have only taken 45 minutes, but that would be very un-Bella. I put the pages aside with sticky notes saying what needed to be fixed/rewritten for each class and went to make the chicken piccata before doing it again.

Soon enough I was finished with dinner and Charlie was walking through the door. He asked me about school and I told him it was fine, even though it wasn't. He thanked me, rinsed his dish, and we went our separate ways. I sighed as I finished, not looking forward to the rest of this night. I meticulously washed my dish and made sure it was completely dry before putting it away and turning towards the stairs.

After a second draft for Trig and Bio, and a third for Spanish, I decided a call to my mother was in order. I needed to hear her voice after all this.

It only took a "Hi Sweetie! How are you? How was your day?" for me to break again, spilling the whole story of the cleanliness and the smells and the weird kid in Biology.

"Well," she said slowly, "The school probably isn't going to get cleaner, but if you find your way around that other stuff, do you think you'd be okay?"

"I guess so…honestly I don't think it would have even been that bad if it weren't for the _smells._ It was awful, Mama"

"I know, Sweetie, I know. Maybe if you went to go see someone, like you did in junior high, remember? The doctor explained you couldn't take PE with the other kids but the school was okay with it because you were in dance…maybe you should go see a doctor even if they can't excuse you from gym"

"I don't know, Mom. Honestly, I'd be surprised if Forks even _has_ a therapist, and you know I'm not going to go see a psychiatrist again."

A subtle _hmmm_ came from the other end before she said "Here's my advice: Take tomorrow off, do something fun, but relaxing…maybe get a manicure or something and watch old movies, they always do the trick. Do a Google search and see if they have therapists there or where the closest one is and get an appointment for as quickly as you can, try to go back to school on Wednesday and see if you can get Biology moved and gym off the schedule, even without a doctor, and see where it goes from there. You don't have to go in the cafeteria or the locker room, Bella, so the two biggest things are easily avoided. You can do it."

It really was a good plan, and I felt confident I could make it through this once again.


	8. Chapter 8

"I love you, Mama. I'll talk to you tomorrow, I'm going to finish some homework now. Give Daddy a hug for me!"

"Love you too, Bells and sure thing." _Click._

I took another deep breath and looked around my room, making sure everything was in order before starting the mundane task of actually finishing my homework. I took a fresh stack of lined pages from my binder and began rewriting the notes for History, including the revisions I had decided to add. After carefully inspecting that no letters strayed over the margins, my handwriting was consistently neat, and the content was acceptable, I began to highlight and color coordinate.

English took the longest. Four revisions later and my hand was cramping and I was just generally frustrated, but by the fifth try I ended with three paragraphs about Mark Twain that were concise yet well written, neat, and in the right format. I looked over at my clock and sighed…it was just after 11 pm and I could hear the faint sounds of snoring coming from downstairs, along with what sounded like a basketball game. I packed my schoolbag up again and headed downstairs for some tea.

I wanted to laugh a little when I saw Charlie sleeping on the couch, it reminded me of the times I'd caught my dad falling asleep in his office chair late at night. I shook his shoulder until he woke up groggy.

"I figured if you slept like that all night you'd get a kink in your neck." I tried to put on a smile as I said it.

"Thanks, kid. I probably would have, yeah." Charlie responded and started rubbing the back of his neck…apparently I hadn't woken him soon enough.

He trudged up the stairs with his usual heavy steps as I went to put the kettle on. The process of making a cup of tea was always soothing to me, just sitting in the quiet while I waited for the water to heat, and again when it was steeping, it was serene. Yet, even after the time I'd taken for myself earlier in the day, I couldn't quite find that sense of calm. While the anxiety I was feeling wasn't coming in massive tidal waves like it normally did, I wasn't quite out of the current either. Maybe a therapist was a good idea.

After pouring the hot water over the tea bag and letting it sit the usual five minutes, I walked up the stairs and placed it on my desk to cool while I took a shower. Feeling clean and refreshed yet again that day, I sat at my computer and began to do a bit of research.

It didn't take long. There were only two people in Forks that worked with mental health, one psychiatrist and one therapist, both having offices _in_ the hospital, which was just weird. There weren't names listed but I wrote down the number so I could call in the morning.

I looked at the clock to find it was just barely getting to be midnight and sighed again. I didn't have anything to occupy my time, and hated to just sit and twiddle my thumbs. I could read, but I felt too restless for that, or anything that required long periods of sitting still. Cleaning was always an option, but I just took a shower, and really didn't feel like signing up for something that would require me to bathe for a fourth time that day.

"Maybe you should just go to bed early, Bella. Wake up with nine hours of sleep and on the right side of the bed and all that"

That just really did not seem likely right now.

A drive though, a drive I could work with. And maybe I would come back feeling so relaxed that sleeping wouldn't even be a question. I checked to make sure my phone had a full charge and the maps app was working in case I got lost. I slipped on some moccasins and a sweater and headed for the door with my keys and wallet in hand.

For Forks, it was a _perfect_ night for a drive. Ideally, the perfect night for a drive consisted of 60 degrees and clear skies, but there was no rain, and the mist was almost pretty…in a way. A Washington kind of way.

The heat still needed to be turned almost all the way up in order for me to roll the windows down, but I craved the cool air in my face. Though tying up my hair was also a priority.

I started off slowly, exploring the "main" parts of town: the police station, grocery store, diner, school…before adventuring onto smaller, darker roads, and that's when I found it, the night drive jackpot. One long, empty road surrounded by forest {instead of along the beach} that most likely led to nowhere. With no houses around, I began to drive faster, pushing past 70 and 80, quickly growing towards 100 mph. I needed this. I needed the air and exhilaration. I started to play the same upbeat playlist of music that I'd been using a lot recently to cheer myself up and sang as loudly and as unashamedly as I possibly could, still letting my speedometer balance between 97 and 103. I almost thought this glory road would go on forever, until I felt the overwhelming need to slam on my brakes.

Right in front of me was an absolutely massive white house. The intimidating structure alone looked as if it could be over an acre, not including the green "yard"…which more closely resembled a small meadow.

"Holy shit." I whispered quietly while turning my music off, "Who the hell _lives_ here."

I wanted to get out of the car, look around and investigate. Part of me felt the urge to just knock on the door to see who answered. Then again, with a house like that, it might be a drug lord or something that answered.

I grew up around money, a _lot_ of money, but I'd still never seen anything like it. This was more than the mansions of the top .3% in America. Instead I sat in my car, staring like an idiot, until I saw a light upstairs turn on, which I took as my signal to _run._ I turned around as quickly as I possibly could, and sped off, trying to leave as quickly as I'd come.

I don't know what it was, but something about that house seemed so inviting, yet forbidden.

I found my way back to the chief's house easily and cringed when the tires made as much noise on the gravel as they did. _Side note, who the hell has gravel driveways?_

I opened the door as quietly as possible and snuck back up the stairs barefoot, smiling when I laid down on the bed, still feeling the effects of adrenaline. I slipped the slippers off my feet and tucked myself into bed, before looking at the clock and noticing it was two in the morning.

 _Early enough,_ I thought, _early enough._

The next morning came a lot like I expected it to. I heard Charlie getting ready early in the morning, but drifted back to sleep soon after, not caring whatsoever that the sound of the deadbolt was usually my cue to get up.

I woke again right after 9, genuinely feeling refreshed, which is a term I usually wanted to punch commercial people in the face for. I went through my basic morning routine and settled with a cup of coffee and a phone at my desk, ready to call the hospital.

I took a long sip of coffee when it first started to ring, expecting either a machine or to be put on hold, but nearly choked when a woman answered with "Hello! Forks Medical Center, how can I help you?" after only three rings.

 _Damn, my own mother takes longer to answer the phone for me._

"Hi, I was just wondering how I'd go about getting an appointment with the therapist there, at least if that's accurate, I heard that's where they were."

"Yes, it is. When would you like that appointment to be?"

"When is it next available?"

"Let me check with the doctor, do you mind going on hold?"

"No problem!" I said, sounding obnoxiously cheerful.

There was no hold music or dead tone, just silence. It was a weird sound, then again, I didn't think Forks Medical Center much cared about what being on hold was like, apparently they didn't have to use it too often.

"You can come in as early as 4pm today if you'd like" the woman said, suddenly sounding bored.

"Sure, sounds great, thanks!"

I was expecting to give my information but once again I was surprised by the simple answer of "See you then, goodbye!"

So, that was one thing off my list. I wasn't quite sure what to do now, though I was suddenly craving crepes, and quickly decided that would be next on the agenda.

I used my grandma's old recipe, the one she managed to steal from that French bakery in New Orleans, bananas foster and all.

 _God I missed her._

I ate entirely more than I should have, but didn't regret it in any way at all, and started a Friends marathon from Netflix. Today was my day to be absolutely lazy. I indulged myself for four straight hours when I realized some better clothes and makeup were in order for this appointment, and that's exactly what I did.

I went through the same cleansing routine I had gone through the morning before, sans washing my hair, and applied my usual winged liner and mascara with the precision I used every day. I dressed in black tights and a simple, cotton black dress with a leather jacket and the black booties I'd been wearing a lot lately. I debated wearing the red lipstick Kaya had sent me, but decided on some sheer pink gloss instead. Grabbing my planner and my purse I headed for the door, locking it behind me and began the short drive to Forks Hospital.

Walking though the front doors, I half expected it to be busy today, that maybe the last time I was here was just a slow day, but that was not the case. There was still no one in the waiting room with only a different brunette sitting behind the front desk.

"Hi," I said walking up to her, "I had an appointment, my name is Bella Swan."

"Oh yes! I remember speaking with you on the phone. Just go down the hall and it's the last door on the right, there's a separate waiting room and the doctor will call you in when he's ready. Either he'll get your information or I will after."

"Okay! Thanks!" I tried to sound cheerful, but the anxiety was starting to creep back in again. I didn't make an appointment with the psychiatrist, but I was worried whomever _he_ was would try and prescribe me something anyways, or lock me up or something. So many things could go wrong.

I followed her directions and walked into a waiting room much nicer and more soothing than the one in the general hospital area. The walls were a light gray and there was a plush couch and glass coffee table with People and US Weekly magazines. There was even a Keurig off to the side, but I felt uncomfortable taking advantage of it before meeting the doctor even once.

I was five minutes early, but as I sat I could feel my heart begin to beat faster and started tapping my foot impatiently. I tapped my fingers the way I always had when I was nervous: pointer to thumb, middle to thumb, ring to thumb, pinky to thumb, and back again. I was about to run back out of the office and bolt back home when the door opened, standing behind it the familiar blonde doctor I'd already encountered once before.

 **A/N: Sorry this chapter took so long you guys, it was ¾ done a couple weeks ago I think but I was dealing with some serious anxiety and couldn't finish/post it until now. PLEASE review! They help motivate me through the stress! :P Thank you!**


	9. Chapter 9

I couldn't remember how to use words. My tongue felt like it was glued to the roof of my mouth and I could feel myself biting my bottom lip but couldn't release it. Properly forming a comprehendible sentence was completely out of the question.

"Miss Swan?" Dr. Cullen tried to get my attention, worry glinting in his eyes. "Bella are you okay? Can you breathe for me please?"

I hadn't even realized I was holding my breath. I inhaled for four beats like my previous therapists had always encouraged and freed my then-throbbing lip to exhale through my mouth for four counts. I practiced this twice more, closed my eyes for five seconds, and then lost my shit.

"No. no no no no no no no no _way_ you're the therapist. No." I caught myself glaring at him even though I wasn't mad. "Is that even legal? You can't just be like a regular doctor _and_ a therapist. That's not how it works! Right? You have to choose one or the other for God's sake!"

"Well, Bella, it's a fairly small town, it isn't usually hard to balance both responsibilities-"

"I don't want your logic right now, okay Cullen…just let me freak the fuck out."

I saw a small smile pass over his face before he carefully composed it back into the blank slate of a practiced clinician.

"Besides, I don't want to see someone with a medical degree. There's a reason I was only willing to talk to a therapist and not a psychiatrist. I've dealt with you guys before, okay? You act like a pill is the answer to everything, but I won't take anything, ever, you got that?"

"That's definitely your decision, Bella. And if it makes you uncomfortable I promise not to suggest it. Would you like to go into my office now?"

His calm was expected yet still unnerving, and I wasn't sure why that was. Either way I knew I wasn't going to make it through the next hour without something soothing, and the keurig was so conveniently located near me.

"I need coffee first." I turned on my heel and placed the darkest roast in its place. I took the few moments necessary for the liquid gold to pour into the waiting paper cup to try and relax.

 _I can do this. I can so, totally do this,_ quickly became my mantra. With a dash of hazelnut creamer I secured a lid on top and turned back towards the waiting yet patient doctor, who gestured for me to enter his office. I walked in and slowly lowered myself onto yet another couch while he followed me in.

The office was very similar to the waiting room behind the now-closed door. Light gray walls, fluffy couch with plenty of throw pillows and a big knit blanket laid over the back, and a large wing-backed chair opposite. There was also a bookshelf against the wall, and a big window facing more forest. The room smelled faintly of vanilla and combined with the warmth of the cup in my hands it was comforting.

Dr. Cullen gently shut the office door and gracefully sat in the large chair facing me. We locked eyes for a moment, but I quickly moved my gaze to what I assumed was a family photo on his desk. I couldn't pick out the individual faces, but with the row of people on a lush lawn, surrounded by trees, it was the stereotypical portrait.

I tried taking a couple more deep breaths, not knowing whether or not I was going to be able to hold it together for the entirety of this meeting. I should have planned this out more. I knew how the first meeting with a new therapist went, I was totally capable of forming an outline of exactly what information I wanted to share and what was to remain strictly private. God I was such an idiot.

I met Dr. Cullen's gaze once more and he gave me an encouraging smile before saying "Before we begin Miss Swan, there are a couple things I should inform you of—"

"I know exactly what you're going to say," I interrupted, "Everything I say in here is completely confidential unless I say I'm going to hurt myself or someone else yada yada yada…I've been through this before."

"Very well, Bella. In that case would you like to tell me a little bit about why you're here today?"

"Not really but it won't do much good if I don't now will it?" I sighed and leaned back into the couch cushions once more.

He chuckled, just a little, the same short laugh a lot of middle aged men gave in inappropriate situations though he didn't seem middle aged and it wasn't that inappropriate. I debated what to say for a while. Obviously going into my whole life story seemed unnecessary and even if it was I was not willing to. I came here because I was anxious but if that's all I said he would ask what the cause was and I didn't have a clear answer. There was one piece of information I could give though: "My name isn't Bella Swan" I found myself saying out loud before I'd planned to.

I could clearly see the shock on his face at my announcement, but that was quickly replaced by what appeared to be mild concern "Could you please tell me what your name is then?" he said kindly.

"My name is Bella Starling. I grew up in Malibu and just moved here from San Francisco, not Phoenix. I've never met Renee and Charlie is not my father…I only met him a couple weeks ago. This week? I don't know, my concept of time has been kind of messed up recently."

The obvious shock was back, then again, I would be extremely surprised if he took all of that information with ease. Dr. Cullen shifted forward in his seat and his hand began to move toward me, but he stopped mid-air as if thinking better of it. Either way he fixed me with an almost paternal gaze and said calmly "Did someone force you here, Bella? Away from your family? Have they been hurting you?"

His eyes began to glisten, almost as if tears were forming but they didn't have quite the same watery look, almost more of a glaze. I was moved that he seemed to be so worried, but confused at the same time. Either way, I quickly answered "No! No one's hurting me, at least not any more…Charlie saved me."

 **A/N: Sorry it's been so long guys! I've been caught up with a lot of other things but I'm taking this semester off of school {well, kind of but that is a really long story of an entirely different nature}. I'm hoping to update again soon but honestly your reviews are super encouraging so if some of you want to keep R &R-ing or even PM me it helps with my anxiety about posting A TON! Thank you so much!**


	10. Chapter 10

Although I expected him to look relieved at my statement, Dr. Cullen still seemed concerned, possibly even more so. "What did he save you from Bella?"

"Look, I don't want to get into the _why_ right now but I ran away from home when I was fourteen…with my boyfriend…who was twenty-two…and suffering PTSD." I looked down at my hands, ashamed to be admitting to how stupid I'd behaved. Looking back at the story now it seemed so ridiculous, but I had been in that innocent stage of love where you think people should be willing to die for one another.

I looked up again, risking a peek at Dr. Cullen's face to try and guess what his response was. He looked sad but there was something…deeper than that too. There was silence for almost a minute before he stated "It ended badly then" almost unknowingly saying it out loud.

"It didn't start of very badly, just little bursts of anger that were controllable. But then he kept losing his job and I couldn't work and wasn't willing to put a large chunk of my trust fund towards decent housing so we would just be homeless sometimes. And then he became an alcoholic." My voice got quieter the more I explained until the end wasn't anything more than a slight whisper.

His episodes started playing on a loop in my head. I could still hear the yelling and smell the old beer on his tee shirts. Phantom bruises ached across my cheeks. I could tell that I was starting to get locked into my own head but couldn't get out of it. Soon I would start hyperventilating and—I closed my eyes as tight as I could and held my breath for a few seconds. I never understood why this helped with the obsessive thoughts but it did and I was not willing to question it at this point. When I opened them again I saw Dr. Cullen looking at me in concern but I didn't want to answer the questions that I knew would be coming next.

I stood up and began pacing the length of his office, trying my best to clear my head. After several trips back and forth, I took a few more deep breaths and sat down. Before he got the chance to ask anything I didn't want to give the answer to, I moved on to a new topic.

"The reason I am here Dr. Cullen, is because I know that I have OCD, I have ever since I was a little girl, and it's been a lot worse in the past week than in recent years and I don't know why that is"

"I'm very sorry to hear that, Bella. Do you think you could explain to me in what ways you think it's gotten worse?"

I took another deep breath, reminding myself that he was a doctor and probably not going to judge me and began speaking again. "I can't leave my house or go to sleep without rubbing my skin raw in the shower. I have to do my homework like, seven times before I feel like I can turn it in without being a failure. I had a panic attack after trying to go into the locker room at school because it's disgusting and I feel like it's a breeding ground for bacteria. I accidentally touched a piece of gum under my desk at school one day and almost burst into tears. I feel like my house is never clean enough…I just can't _do_ anything anymore." I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding. I could feel tears stinging the back of my eyes but refused to let them fall. I was ashamed at my lack of ability to function like a normal human being.

I felt Dr. Cullen move closer to me but he still didn't touch me, for which I was grateful. "Bella," he said quietly "can you please look at me?"

I once again saw concern in his eyes but refused to believe it was for me even though it obviously was. I didn't want someone's pity. I should be able to take care of myself by now.

"Bella," he said again, "I want you to know that I don't think you're weak for coming to see me and I really do want to help you. We can work together to try to make your life easier okay? We'll start with baby steps, little things that make you feel like you can skip and still be safe and we'll work our way from there, okay?"

I nodded my head mutely, appreciating his words without accepting them. He smiled briefly. "Now then," he continued "I'd like for you to come meet with me again, maybe more often that once a week if that doesn't conflict with your schedule. How about you come in after school on Thursday, okay? If you could try going to school tomorrow and tell me how it went, I will do my best to figure out something to help with PE." He smiled at me again. "Is there anything else you wanted to tell me for today or should we end it here?"

I shook my head and collected my coffee and purse before heading for the door. "Oh yeah," I said and turned around quickly "there's this weird kid in Biology that gives me a really weird feeling, but I'll tell you about him later."

 **A/N: Okay so I know this is a shorter chapter but I really wanted the therapy session posted! Also I've been trying to keep the days straight while I'm writing this but because Bella sleeps so little it can be a little hard to keep track of while I'm writing so don't judge me too harshly if I mixed some things up! {If I am correct though, this chapter took place on a Tuesday!} Thanks for reading, please R &R!**


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